A Sort Of Sorting
by nony0mous
Summary: Everybody knows how Harry was sorted, but what happened while Ron was under the hat? Hermione? Professor McGonagall? What about Voldemort, or Snape?
1. The Weasel, Ron

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling continues not to accept my continuing requests to please, please let me possess her soul and write some more stories. However, she is a Gryvenpufferin (a combination of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin) , and so of course, she doesn't let me. So now I will sort all of her characters, and the only thing she can do is sue me! MWAHAHAHA! What does it matter that I don't own Harry Potter, and she does? No disrespect intended, just a bunch of bloody nonsense. Continue with your continuation of reading. Thank you.**

Ron sat under the hat, waiting.

_Oh, please, please! I want to be in Gryffindor, just like the rest of my family. And then I can tell them all about Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived! Please, Mr. Hat? Just shout Gryffindor._

Hmm, _thought the hat_. Where will I put you? You obviously don't have the brains to be in Ravenclaw. You don't have any brains at all, in fact!

_Yes! Wait, hey! Who said you have the power to insult me.?_

Ah, and without brains, what better place than Slytherin?

_Hold on there, you can't put me next to Draco! He'll hate me for being nice! And duh, he's a son of a-_

You are not allowed to curse in Hogwarts!

_That's not true. Everybody curses. Anyway, I was simply going to say son of a Death Eater!_

Well, with no brains, you won't pass any O.W.L.s, and then you'll have to be a Death Eater to make money! The perfect job!

_You'll never get away with this!_

Oh yes I will, Voldemort will _love_ me because I gave him a new recruit, and I'll be able to leave this dump!

_Git._

I know you are, but what am I?

_Sigh._

Anyway, if you really don't want to be in Slytherin, I guess there's only one other option, which is-

_Gryffindor!_

HU-

_No! I will not be Hufflepuff! Now to use my great powers of mimicking!_

GRYFFINDOR!


	2. The Genius and the Hat

Hermione sat under the hat, waiting.

Ah, _thought the hat, _a genius. Better be Ravenclaw!

_Hold on there. You are a hat, right?_

Yes...

_And I am a genius, right?_

Well, of course, but...

_And you know that all geniuses end up being heroes, right?_

Name one.

_Artemis Fowl._

Who?

_And Voldemort._

I guess, yes, he _is _a genius. And he definitely would have been a hero if he hadn't been defeated. Oh, I spend so many days imagining the wonderful paradise it would be if Voldemort had won the war.

_And all of the great heroes go to Slytherin, right?_

Of course!

_But I'm a filthy mudblood, I don't deserve the great Slytherin._

No, that would be embarrassing, a mudblood in Slytherin.

_So I should be put in no-good Gryffindor._

Duh. Better be Gryffindor then! And you will be cursed with finding that your true love, Draco, is in Slytherin. But you are not deserving of him. A shame, but alas, you are cursed. And it's all your fault.

_I'll remember that._

So now go and suffer in GRYFFINDOR!

Hermione went off to the table, appearing sad to the hat but of course, happy that she fooled it so easily.


	3. Bella's Tricks

Bellatrix sat under the hat, waiting.

Ah, Bellatrix, what a pleasure to meet you! I have heard so much about you. Is it true that you will restart the family business of killing innocent people?

_ Of course! What better job is there? No O.W.L.s needed, just basic training, really._

Amazing, I hear they're going to start a club where you go on nice old killing sprees. So, any favors?

_Yea, I should be Slytherin, of course, and a nice cup of Butterbeer._

Sure, anything for the rightful heir of the ancient and completely noble house of Black.And here's some advice for a nice young first year: The Gryffindor dormitories are behind the painting of the Fat Lady, and the password this month is _fiddlesticks_. Oh, and your Butterbeer is ready.

A house elf arrives with a big pitcher of Butterbeer.

_Thanks, so how is your brother?_

Still locked away, nobody will ever find out I am really his twin. All thanks to the Blacks. Oh, and Ms. Lestrange?

_Yes?_

Stop by my apartment in Dumbledore's room sometime. I have a list there of 100 ways to annoy a Gryffindor.


	4. McGonald's

Minerva sat under the hat, waiting.

Hey, _the hat said. _You want to go out?

_Eew, no!_

Aw, come on girl, don't be so shy. I once knew a hat. But... (corny joke alert) it ran at the drop of the hat.

_Ha ha. NO._

You sure? I know this secret restaurant in the bowels of Hogwarts, it's an Italian, I think. I can make you fatter beyond your wildest dreams.

_I hear they do Transfiguration here._

Yup. Nice course. Not as good as Charms, of course.

_So I'll just transfigure you to a nice lump of Italian bread and eat you._

Ok, I get it, you want to go to a pizzeria. Fine, I know one in Hogsmeade, I can get you into a trip.

_You know, I have a life._

Oh, you do? Fine, fine, I didn't know, just go to Gryffindor. Remember, I'm always willing to forgive and forget, I can get you into Slytherin.

_Just shut up!_


	5. A Crabby Kid

Vincent sat under the hat, staring into space.

Hello, _said the hat,_ what's your name?

_Uhhhhhhhhhh... _answered Crabbe.

Ooh, a man with strong resistance. I'll just look inside your head for information.

_Uhhhhhhhhhh..._

Oh. I see. No brain.

_Uhhhhhhhhhh..._

Well then, that makes the job of brainwashing you even easier! Here are some thoughts:

You will become Draco's mindless servant for life and death.

You will serve the Dark Lord until he requires the simple task of you sacrificing your life for the greater evil.

You will protect the name of Slytherin from those who are sane.

You will fail all of your classes to make Draco look like he actually knows something.

You will become best friends with Goyle and form the Best Idiots Forever Or Else club (BIFOE.)

You will pursue your life-long dream to become a lamp.

You will make loud, unnecessary noises when you hit something.

You shall not fickle forwards.

You shall not fickle backwards.

And above all, you shall worship the mugroom.


	6. An Extremley Warped Alternate Reality

_A long time ago, in a parallel universe far, far, away..._

Harry sat under the hat, waiting.

Harry Evans has a very warped history, but here's a short summary: James Potter became influenced by the Dark Side and joined the Death Eaters carrying a box of cookies the whole way. He launched an attack on the Longbottoms, and Neville became The Boy Who Made Voldemort Cry So Hard That He Actually Felt Remorse Somehow and Reversed the Effects of the Horcruxes, Which Destroyed Him. Epic Fail, Voldemort! (James ran away and got eaten by wolves, who were eaten by Kreacher, who was eaten by Hermione, the President of the Society to Kill All House Elves, or S.K.A.H.E. for short, who was eaten by Norberta, who was eaten by Aragog, who died of cancer.) So Severus married Lily, but no name sounds good before Snape, so instead of naming their son Harry Snape, Lily divorced Snape and named her son Harry Evans. THE END.

So the hat was placed on Harry Evans. Harry radiated so much braveness that the sword of Godric Gryffindor fell out of the hat and split open Harry's head. As a result, Ron became the hero and Dumbledore's best friend until Dumbledore was eaten by Hagrid who was eaten by Norberta who was eaten by Aragog who died of cancer.


	7. I Forgot the Name

Neville sat under the hat, waiting.

Hello, _said the hat, _and what would your name be?

_Oh no, I forgot!_

You couldn't possibly forget your own name, could you?

_Yes I can, you wouldn't know, you're just a hat!_

Fine. Since you're such a freak, I declare you Hummlenuff! No, Hugglestuff! Great, now your amnesia is spreading to me!

_Well, my granny gave me a Remembrall, then we could remember all this stuff!_

Good. Now where is this Remembrall?

_I forgot._

FAIL. You know, I think we'll be here a while.

10 days later...

_Wait!_

You remembered?

_Yes!_

Where is it?

_I forgot what I was going to say._

You are a shame. You know that?

_No._

'Course, you forgot. OK, better be Gryffindor!

_Yay! Hold on, where is the Gryffindor table?_


	8. Siriusly, I'm Sirius

**Sorry I couldn't write sooner. I've been REALLY STUPIDLY AWESOMELY INSANELY busy. I'm not sure I've expressed that enough. If you want to know why, you could step right this way to my profile, or if you want you could step right this way into the Chamber of Misery (otherwise know as the Chamber of Secrets or the Chamber In Which Harry Should Have Died For the Umpteenth Time But of Course, He Didn't.)**

Sirius sat under the hat, waiting.

Hellooooooooo, _said the hat obnoxiously, _may I not help you?

_Could I have a glass of butterbeer? Or some Italian food?_

Sheesh, this isn't a restaurant, idiot. Now, you want to go to Gryffindor?

_Sure!_

'K, but procedure says I gotta ask you your name. I don't remember that ever being in the procedure though...

_My name is Sirius._

Are you serious?

_Yes._

You know, I know that you don't know but will now know that I know a very nice family called the Blacks. Perfect in every way, except they have a son named Sirius who is insane. Funny coincidence, isn't it?

_I'm Sirius Black._

Oh. You fillthy scum! You ******* little kid! Why couldn't they have a son Jacob, I don't know.

_Jacob. His last name is Black. He rides a motorcycle. He can turn into a dog. Siriusly?_

No, siriusly, your parents wanted to name you Jacob. What happened?

_Well, you see, when I was a baby, my parents had a visitor. Her name was J. K. Scowling or something. And she said, "Name your son Sirius." And they were like, "NO!" And she was like, "In your universe, I am god. I'm going to snap my fingers, and I will make some nice Coke appear so I can splash it in your face to make a point." And a coke appears. So they were like, "We're not worthy," and she was like, "No, you're not. So name your boy Sirius because he will not be serious and then when he dies an early death at least everyone will be like, "At least that Sirius guy is dead, finally." So..._

Ok, I've heard enough! You must be in Gryffindor. An overwhelming amount of people in Gryffindor. What ever happened to the days where there were people in Slytherin? Maybe next chapter...


	9. Lilypad

**I feel guilty about that contest. I was selfish. I think I also might have been drunk. I always act like I'm drunk so I actually have no idea. I thunk I waz drink,. But Im realy no shur. Mayb im drunk rite know. Ow shud I no.**

**Atayl, the only person who responded to my contest, is now regarded as Head Nacho. May the Force (of my army) be with you. Unless I want to hunt you down, in which case you are DEAD MEAT.**

**Thank You.**

Lily sat under the hat, waiting.

Let me guess. Gryffindor.

_Aw, _said Lily, _no need to be such a constant downer._

Yes there is. Not one evil person today! What am I supposed to do when there is no corruption? I need some nicotine...

_A smoking hat? That can't be good. Let me help._

Must... resist... niceness...

_I know the perfect spell._

You're a Mudblood! You wouldn't know a thing about magic!

_I'm insulted! You just lost the only friend you ever had!_

No. I have lots of friends. There's... um... Frienda the Fedora! I remember her!

_Was she imaginary?_

Yes! I mean, no! She was this fedora who was my friend.

_That's very descriptive._

Yes, I know it is. And then there was... um... Hades! He helped me murder Luke Castellan! And Selena Beuragaurd or whatever her name was. Not to mention Charles Beckendorf!

_Why are you friends with the king of the underworld?_

Because that's my night job. I go to hell and work there as a Dunkin Donuts salesman.

_Why do they have a Dunkin Donuts in the underworld?_

There are lots of them, actually. It's to torture all the souls. There's a Dunkin Donuts, but they can never go there.

_You are sick._

Well, duh, do you know how many diseases are in hell?

_OMG GET HIM OFF ME!_

Sheesh, fine. GRYFFINDOR! And remember... Hades and I have been watching your fate. Beware your child! And Voldemort! And Sirius Black! And whoever else you should beware. And who is Voldemort anyway?


	10. The Murderous Riddle

**Sorry that I couldn't write earlier, but you see, I got sucked into a dimensional hiatus. (I also have to write for another story, but that's only a minor problem.)**

**Now, there's nothing wrong about getting sucked into a dimensional hiatus, except this time, I was spit out 500 years in _our_ future.**

**At first everything seemed fine. Arnold Schwarzenegger beating up evil robots, people texting while driving a flying car, that kind of stuff.**

**Then I asked for some music.**

**As soon as the music hit my ears, I collapsed in writhing pain. It was Justin Bieber!**

**Or so I thought.**

**Now, I'm sorry Beliebers, but your future is grim. You see, in August 2012, a horrible experiment backfired, and Bieber was affected. On December 21, he held a concert, and unfortunately, that was the night that he entered accelerated puberty. When he sung, everyone immediately died, except for anyone wearing giant earmuffs, which would be Lady Gaga, because she decided to wear that for _her_ concert.**

**Now everyone was dead. Bieber and Gaga decided to have a baby, but unfortunately again, the baby was so ugly Gaga died at childbirth. Then, a whole new wave of Biebers were born, and now, Biebers rule the world.**

**So even though I was spat out of the future a few weeks ago, I had to recover from Bieberitis. Sorry.**

**Now, its rude just to insult him, so I'm going to insult somebody else too.**

Joe Jonas sat under the hat, waiting.

Hullo, _said the hat,_ what's your name?

_Didn't the story already say that? My name is Joe._

Weird, I thought your name was Tom.

_Why would my name be Tom?_

I don't know, you look like a Tom to me.

_Well, if my name was Tom, then my last name would have to be Riddle._

That really suits you. Tom Riddle. Hmm...

Just then, Kevin popped in.

"Stop the presses! Joe, you gotta get out of that hat, we gotta getta nother thingamajigger for uh a uh our uh concert tonight! You know, that thing! The thing called a song! The fans are going to be ticked off if we just play all of our _other_ last minute songs! But I got a new idea! We'll create a thing! You know, we'll inject some of our DNA into a Canadian! We'll call him Bieber Boy! Then nobody will bother to hear our songs, but we'll just make money off of him! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hogwarts was kinda freaked out by the creepiness of Kevin. So after they left, a new boy came in.

Hullo, _said the hat, _what's your name?

_My name is Tom._

Weird, I thought your name was Joe.

_Well, my name is Tom. Tom Marvolo Riddle._

Ugh, what a terrible name.

_I know._

Let me suggest something to you. Have you ever noticed that the words "I am Lord Voldemort" are spelled with the same letters as your name?

_Of course I noticed that._

Wow, you did? I never knew that those words spelled out Voldemort.

_Duh, you're a hat. You would never know anything._

So, what's your plan for the year?

_Killing people. And you will be my first victim!_

Tom then used the Killing Curse on the hat, but the hat was made out of tinfoil, which reflected the curse on Tom, who would have died, except that the hat's love for him protected him from the curse.

_You stupid hat! Die already! DIE DIE DIE!_

Ah, such a wonderful student. SLYTHERIN! Finally.


	11. This Chapter Has Been Foreseen By Sybill

Sybill sat under the hat-

**Oh, who even cares about the last part? You've seen this over, and over, and over...**

**This is getting fun!**

**So you've seen this over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and **

**I'm finished! Okay, so maybe that wasn't the best chapter...**

**What if I do this too?**

**...**

"**Stop, nony0mous!" you say.**

**I'll stop when I feel like it.**

**Nananana...**

**Nananana...**

**Hey**

**Hey**

**Hey,**

**Goodbye!**

**Okay, I'm done. Now back to the story!**

**No, wait, I'm not done. I forgot to say that since not even J. K. decided to say whether Sybill even went to Hogwarts, I'm going to use some creative license, or as I like to say, abusing the rules that I have been given so I could feel more powerful, so powerful, in fact, that I feel like I could rule the world. Maybe I should go get some Horcruxes.**

Sybill sat under the hat, waiting.

Hi Lo Pickalo!

_Ah, look, a talking hat_. Trelawney acted as this was perfectly normal for her, and for all we know, it could have.

You look weird, four eyes.

_These glasses enhance the Inner Eye. I see you will meet a tall stranger._

Like that 1st year over there?

_Ah, yes,he is tall..._

Let me give you a prediction of my own: you will be called a fraud...

_Wha-_

...multiple times.

_T?_

Huh?

_What?_

You will be called a fraud. And you will have students who hate you so much that they will hate you.

_Bu-bu-but-_

No buts! Or butts! If you want to prove you are a Seer, then you will have to make a new prophecy!

Trelawney got a distant look in her eyes.

_A child of the eldest dogs-_

No, not that one!

_Oh yes. New prophecy. Seven half-bloods shall answer the call-_

NEW!

_Ah... yes... I see... here... From the sky... yes, from the sky... shall fall... creatures... and they will fall, and people will sing on their arrival..._

What kind of prophecy is-

Suddenly, the Great Hall looked upwards. Through the glass ceiling, the students saw the amazing sight of falling men.

Then the Beauxbatons girls came in and started singing.

"IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH! ITS RAINING MEN!

The Sorting Hat sat dumbstruck.

Bu-bu-but-

_No buts, or butts._

Wow. I'll have to declare you Ravenclaw.

Teehee.


	12. BOTHER!

**I'm not sure how much longer I'll be writing this. This may be the final chapter.**

**If so, farewell.**

**If not, scrap what I just said, 'K?**

**(I also bolded the Hat's dialogue. You are free to ponder this bold type right here.)**

Snape finally got to sit under the Sorting Hat.

He was conflicted whether he wanted to go to Gryffindor or not. On one hand, Lily was there – but on the other hand, James was there.

And then the hat spoke to him.

**Hello,** _said the hat._

Snape looked around. He didn't see anyone.

**I said, Hello.**

Snape looked around again.

_Who's saying that?_

The hat rolled it's eyes. Please do not point out that hats do not have eyes.

**I'm saying it. The hat. I can talk, you nitwit.**

_Was I just dissed by a hat?_

**Yes, you were.**

_Why does everyone hate me?_

**Because you're a nitwit. You know, one day, you will be so great and powerful that you will be a teacher.**

_Was I just dissed again?_

**That's for me to know and you to be a fail.**

_Why do I not just get up and walk away?_

**Because your parents sent you here because they didn't want you at home. And you are afraid to leave because you love Lily Evans. Oh, and by the way, she said you were cute.**

_She really did?_

**No! Haw haw!**

_I really am a loser, aren't I?_

**Judging by the fact that you're asking a hat questions, yes, you are.**

_Oh yeah? Well, how about this? What did the alien say to the hat?_

**Um... get a new car?**

_No! He said, "Take me to your wearer!" Isn't that funny?_

**I don't get it.**

_You wouldn't know. You're just a hat. And yes, I just dissed you!_

**You did? That was the worst joke and diss I've ever heard. You know, I'm a hat, and I'm still much funnier than you. That's really sad. You have no life.**

_I knew Mum was right. "Never trust a hat," but I didn't listen to her._

**More reasons why you have no life.**

_You're mean!_

**No way? What gave it away? Was it the multiple disses?**

_Just give me a house!_

**Okay, okay. Out of pity, I place you in SLYTHERIN! And Snapey? One more thing.**

_WHAT?_

**BOTHER!**

And Snape was shoved out of the hat.

**That was the worst chapter ever.**

**Well, it's all your fault! In some kind of twisted, messed-up way.**

**Just review. For the sake of reviewing.**

**And by the way...**

**I AM THE HAT.**


End file.
